I went to a mind breaking shamane course this weekend.  Not sure if I can tell anything about it, most of the things were happening on spiritual level so I don't have words to tell.  But I'll try something.  On Saturday I was mostly on resistant mode, listening but not taking anything in really.  At night we had a lovely fire ceremony where I gave my old story to the fire.  It was very special situation, stars above us and freezing and then the fire and people on a circle around.  I felt alone by the fire when there was really about 50 people around me.  Giving up the story felt sad, that's what has been my excuse for so many years whenever I have difficult times.  No excuses anymore.  I need to live my new story now, the hero's story. 

Today we had exercises which really got me.  First was to think about my worst fear.  This is something we have gone through already years ago on Hanna's Into courses.  I know it, I have done lots of exercises to go over it but it comes up again and again.  Next one was to meet the people we've been before.  This was great.  I met an orphan child who died on black death or something on 18 century, a magician from 13 century in a castle in Europe and last one was a teacher in Finland in c.1910.  All of them died alone which might be the fearest fear I could have. 

In some point the teacher was talking about insuries we get, maybe old or even from previous lives and those can be felt like real.  I realised that my backache is like an invisible knife, the pain coming back what ever treatment I get from doctors or ostheopats.  Shamanes call those imprints and that needs to be cured in a different level than physical or even psychical.  Levels are (need to check the missing parts on third one which is the 'language'):
Literal - body - molecular
Symbolic - mind, emotions -  words
Mythic - sole - dreams, ceremony, music
Energetic - spirit - energy, intention

Then an exercise to retrieve missing sole parts from under world.  This was interesting as the sole part I found was me age 5 years or something left in a cave near my home then.  The sad part here was that I met this little me ten years ago on Hanna's course and back then I got really angry at Hanna to show her to me.  Back then I didn't remember much of my childhood and seeing me shy and alone as a child woke up memories which I was not ready to meet.   And now I realised I had left her there for another 10 years alone.  So I retrieved her now back to make me whole.  At the same exercise we also found our power animal, mine was otter.  The otter's gift to me was to trust, just dive in and trust.  And to complete this I just realised I don't have the knife on my back anymore, the pain is gone.

I know this is crazy and there's nothing in the underworld or me in previous lifes.  But something is changed.  Mind is a mystery, we can fix things just with some silly exercises which shake the whole body and sole.  I wish peace to everyone.